hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
