Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
