I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
