I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
