Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Randomize
