My friends, they love my intelligence
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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