Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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