his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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