Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Randomize