I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
