Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
