The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
