i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Just pee around me
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
