and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
