found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Hippo gnu deer
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
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