Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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