now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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