I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
