She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Randomize
