she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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