Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Randomize
