I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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