Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
