i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Randomize
