Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
