i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
