ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
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