I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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