no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
