hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
