Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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