matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize