Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize