My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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