you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
