last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize