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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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