Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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