why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
