Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
