genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
