i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
