Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
