Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
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