...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Randomize
