Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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