We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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