I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
