Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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