Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
