peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
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