So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Randomize
