How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize