Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Randomize
