So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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