I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
