soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
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