I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
