had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
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