I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
