I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
