i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
