my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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